In connection with the anticipated availability of cell phone reception in the subway the MTA has announced that it will be introducing a new method of communicating with passengers during subway travel emergencies. Riders can utilize their cell phones to receive assistance and information. The program works as follows:

After pressing A (for "abandoned") riders will be connected to the MTA’s automated answering and information system powered by Strand Me.  After dialing into the menu, considering the MTA’s communication track record, no pun intended, it is anticipated that a typical call will go as follows:

Welcome to the MTA’s subway emergency assistance line. Please choose from the following options:

Press one for English.

Press two for Spanish.   

Press three for Sublish.  (What is Sublish?  Sublish is the language of the subway.  It is basically English that is garbled, full of static, tails off midstream, generally incoherent and sometimes screeches.  It is the language that you've become accustomed to, providing the type of abuse that you, as New Yorkers, deserve and have come to expect.)   

Press four if you would like a subway map mailed to you.

Press five if you would like a subway map mailed to someone else.  

Press six if you would like to vote for Miss Subways. Write-ins for both genders and variations thereof considered. 

Press seven if you would like an absentee ballot for Miss Subway.  Write-ins for both genders and variations thereof considered. 

Press eight if you would like to recall Miss Subway.

Press nine if you are Miss Subway, we're looking for you. We've heard that you've defected to the LIRR.  

Press zero if you need assistance with a subway travel problem. 

You have selected zero.  If this is incorrect, press, oh sorry, we've run out of numbers. If this is incorrect, please hang up and start again or otherwise please stay on the line. Your estimated holding time is akin to the typical waiting time after midnight for an express train.  We hope you enjoy the drumbeats of the subway soundtrack that we have recorded for you while you wait.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BANG, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BANG                

Please stay on the line, your call is important to you.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BANG, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BANG                

Please stay on the line, your call is important to you.

Hi, I'm the woman who announces the station stops on the trains. I don't have a name. They never gave me a name. It wasn't in the budget. However, when they discover the next previously unaccounted for bundle of cash I may get a name.  It will be covered under capital improvements. In the meantime, I would like to ask you a few questions to get started.

First, why didn't you take the bus? Only kidding!  Seriously, please tell me the station that you're currently located at by typing in the first three letters of the station name on your keyboard. Please use B for L, F for C, Q for R, E for G, P for T, M for S and A for N and vice versa.  

Fulton, F , no Cul, no , F, no b, no, Cub …pon, no, Cubpao.

I'm sorry; you seem to be experiencing trouble. Instead of typing in the name of the station please just say it.

Culton Street, No Fulton Street, no …   

I'm sorry; I didn't get that. Did you say Fulton Street or fit to weep?

FULTON STREET!

OK, Fulton Street.

Now please type in the name of the station that you wish to travel to.  Again, please type in the first three letters using B for L, F for C, Q for R, E for G, P for T, M for S. and  A for N and vice versa.

West Fourth, We, no, Wgst, no, Wgmt, no W …

I'm sorry; you seem to be experiencing trouble. Instead of typing the name of the station please just say it.

West Fourth.

I'm sorry; I didn't get that, did you say Westport?

NO! WEST FOURTH!

OK, West Fourth.

Now please tell me if you want to use an express or local train.

WHAT?  I thought you would tell me that.

I'm sorry; did you say you saw a rat? Wait, I'll connect you to 311.

NO! WAIT! , go to Hell!

I'm sorry; I didn't get that.  Did you say you wanted to go to Hell?  I'm sorry; I can't find that station listed in my index.  Let’s start again.

No!

I'm sorry; I didn't get that. What was that station?

Please!

If you can't find your station, well then maybe you shouldn't be going there in the first place. If you don't know I can select a station for you, as in the long run, it won't matter anyway. 

Pleaseee! Just give me a station! Anywhere!

Times Square or you're there?  Well, since you're there, I'll sign off. And, of course, thanks for riding NYC Transit!