by George E. Albitz

     Not being familiar with New York City I found myself at the mercy of its local inhabitants when I arrived there recently for a business meeting. Surrounded by huge buildings and throngs of people rushing by I was quickly turned into a meek tourist wandering about with no sense of bearings.

     I tried to ask directions but nobody would slow down to help me. A wino pointed uptown but I didn’t feel at ease with his reliability.

     I finally just grabbed someone and asked, “Where is the subway?”

     He replied, “Two blocks that way and turn left.”

     I followed his directions to the letter…no subway.

     I asked another, “Where is the subway?”

     “Go north for three blocks…you can’t miss it!”

     I followed his directions…I missed it.

     I grabbed another fellow, “Where is the subway?”

     “Huh?”

     “Where is the subway?”

     He shook his head, “No English?”

     I was having no luck with men, so I grabbed a little old lady. She stuck a gun in my ribs.

     I was petrified! I’d heard of such things but never considered an old woman. Lucky for me her grandson was not far behind and took the gun from her, begged my forgiveness, and pleaded that I not tell her parole officer.

     I said, “Sure! Just tell me where the subway is?”

     “That’s easy! Just go across the street and down the steps!”

     I hurried across the street and as I descended the crowded stairway I saw a sign above that said Subway. I was relieved.

     However when I reached the lower level all I found was a train covered in graffiti picking up passengers?

     I threw my arms above me and shouted, “What the heck is going on around here? All I want is a sandwich!”


George E. Albitz is a Cartoonist/Humor Writer working vigorously on a screenplay based on his published novel How The West Was Lost, due to be released within the millennium.