It's time for tinsel town to slip underground and nail down the single greatest television sitcom, since the County of Queens brought us Edith and Archie. Only forget Queens, because the stage for this 
one belongs to Brooklyn. I live in Brooklyn and of all the services  Brooklyn provides, none can touch the subway. Once those doors slide open, any situation can arise. Believe me, as a Brooklynite, I've  seen a lot of incredible things happen on the subway. I've seen so  many things, it's occurred to me that Brooklyn may well be the center of the Universe. If it's out there, at least two of whatever it is  resides in Brooklyn and I'll guarantee you at least one of them is working for, or, riding on, the subway.
       I'm not complaining, mind you. When I first started riding the subway, way back when the Beatles were conquering America, the fare was a measly 25 cents. Now it's climbed all the way to 2 bills. In 
spite of all the legal groups claiming class discrimination over all  the fare hikes, I don't think three bills is a lot to pay to a  corporation that, according to Mr. Tom Harrington of the Transit Museum in downtown Brooklyn, has laid over 700 miles of track. Mr. Harrington went on to explain that there are over 230 route miles  with Brooklyn being the leader at 84. Can you fathom the cost of maintaining this mileage? Let's not even discuss the multimillion  dollar collection of art the Transit Authority has on display for your viewing pleasure, or, the pleasure viewing that went on at a now defunct topless bar in a building owned by the Transit Authority. It's not cheap rivaling the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or, competing with the likes of Scores. (Hmmm. I wonder if you can buy beer with subway tokens, or, do you have to swipe a metro-card?)
       How can you overlook the potential of the subway as a sit-com? The show could revolve around three stars serving as conductors on the D train. Get me Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, Jimmy J J Walker, Katie Poff. (Dizzy blonde up the street. You have to see her). It beats a night at the comedy club and its cheaper, too. Each week you could bring back the glory of TV personalities past. Archie Bunker leaves Queens for lobster in Sheepshead Bay. Felix takes Oscar to Bay Ridge for pasta. Detective Sipowitz standing toe to toe with Tony Soprano. Isn't Mary Tyler Moore from Brooklyn?
       I mean, how can you not love the subway? One my fondest memories is of pulling into the DeKalb Ave station on the D train. The conductor, as per training for the course, announces the stop.
       “DeKalb Avenue!” He crackles over the P.A. system. Change here for the B, the Q, the RR or the N.  B train across the platform. Next stop? Grand Street in Manhattan. Watch the closing doors.”
       I watch the door close. I don’t know why I watch the doors close. People have been telling me to watch the doors close for so many years now, I guess there just isn't any getting around it. A few 
minutes pass and we suddenly get another blast from the Avon Lady and then the conductor is explaining life and all the little surprises it so often harbors.
      “Attention please,” he begins. “I've been informed that this D train is no longer a D train, but an N train. If you need to take the D train kindly get on the B train across the platform as that B train is now the D train and this D train is now the N. The next stop on this train will be Canal Street on the N train line. I repeat, this D train is no longer a D train but an N train. If you want to make D train stops, kindly take the B train that is now the D train across the platform. B train riders will have to wait for the 
N train which will become a B train as soon as it hits this station. The B train, which will read N train is behind this D train which due to a stalled train on the bridge has been rerouted to an N train. Next stop Canal Street. Watch the closing doors!”
       This is one of those rare occasions when such childhood games as Simon Says rears its ugly head in adult life. I have never seen so  many grown ups race through so many subway doors, for the sake of a slam dance over a seat, in all my life.  Still, it's the best ride in town. Where else in Brooklyn are you going to get turned upside down so smoothly and quickly? You think life is better in a car? If you're not sitting in traffic, or plowing over potholes, you're probably blaring the horn at the guy in front of you. I think I'll stick with the subway. It's educational. It's a reader's paradise. The libraries should be so packed and when you've finished your book or newspaper, you have all those signs to read on the inside of the subway cars. My favorite ones are those presented by subway officials, such as the poetry in motion series. Or, better yet, the Ride-smart-Subtalk series. Gee. I wonder if they could use another 
writer?

Jon Simonds is a Brooklynite who loves, reading, writing and this Irish Girl from Bay Ridge.  He is regularly featured on Newsun.com and has had numerous op-ed pieces in several newspapers.

 

This is a reprint of an essay originally published in The New Sun.