I feel the need to vent once again on those people who make our daily lives on the subway more miserable than they need to be. People I like to call the Hump-riders, the Camels the Verbal Exhibitionists, the Pseudo Germ-a-Phobes the Eaters and my least favorite Music Promoters. We all know them, in fact I will admit to being one or two of them occasionally, but there are people who really have no right to be riding public transportation. This is a discussion of those people who take each of these categories to the fullest. These are not minor offenders. These are Subway Sinners. 

Let’s discuss the Hump Riders. First of all, the subways are crowded, people are tired, and people are cranky and hot. Why on earth, especially at rush hour, would you be so inconsiderate as to take up two seats? Hump Riders have mastered the technique of taking up two seats with out being challenged. They have a look of murderous ‘I dare you’ in their eyes. Say you are considering meekly asking a Hump Rider to slide down into one or the other of seats they are currently warming; you take one look at the pure defiance in their eyes and you spend the rest of your journey home wondering why you are such a wuss, or if you are passive aggressive like me, glare at the empty seat and then glare at the Hump Rider. Repeat.  

I once talked myself into smiling brightly and wedging myself in, swallowing my fear. I was rewarded with the person next to me getting up to stand in front of me rather than (and this is direct quote) sit next to me and ‘get my cooties’. This was a grown woman. She said I had ‘Cooties!’ I think my favorite moment on the subway, perhaps ever, was when a scrappy elderly woman began shouting at a Hump Rider who actually refused to move for the little old lady. She was having none of it and began shouting things along the following lines ‘I paid the same fare as you! Why should your fat ass get two seats, while I get none? I deserve a seat damn it! Move over!’ This went on for a good 5 minutes; Elderly woman screeching and berating the sullen and stone faced Hump Rider. The Hump Rider finally got up and left the train and the woman flopped down with a satisfied ‘humpf’. Excellent entertainment.  

Next topic: Camels. These are the people who wear large and cumbersome backpacks. Sometimes they are tourists, but most often they are just inconsiderate New Yorkers. I call them camels because of the obvious hump on the back comparison, but further, I figure the backpack must contain something incredibly important (i.e. like water for a camel) otherwise they would surely remove it right? The thing I find about Camels is that they are the most curious of all subway passengers. There is a lot of turning around, looking out the window, bending over and walking around, which results in repeated whacks with the backpack to all those around them. They never stand still. Camels are in constant motion.  

I had quite an experience yesterday with some Verbal Exhibitionists. To truly be considered for this category, you can’t just merely talk loudly, which in itself is annoying. If you are talking to a friend sitting across from you, people will hear what you are saying, but it isn’t necessarily intentional, therefore you are not really a Verbal Exhibitionist. True VE’s talk very loudly and with much gesticulating, but only when they are standing or sitting next to each other. You would think that if the VE’s are going to all the trouble to share their conversation with the other 30 people on the train that it would be titillating or interesting. This is a misnomer. It is often incredibly dull – topics like macramé and the copy machine at work that never works. I sat next to two VE’s yesterday during rush hour who were very loudly discussing which form of constructive criticism each responded best to. I did not find this information useful at all. If there are any VE’s reading this, please for the love of God, talk about something interesting like sex or robbing a bank. Please.  

Eaters. Good Lord. What can I say about eaters. I am not talking about nibbling bits of a secret muffin hidden in your bag. I am talking about people who eat serious and messy food in the subway. It is never innocuous like a slice of pizza or a turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich. It is always something odiferous, drippy and very nauseating. I love just about all foods, all cuisines and so on. But stepping onto a subway car with not only the visual of someone eating a saucy sandwich with some charred meat product, but being hit by the wall of pungent smell is just about enough to knock me out. And Eaters don’t only bring the smelly food on the train and messily eat it in front of you, but they leave bits of it behind. More than once I have sat down and looked at the ground and between my feet and lo and behold there is a pile of gnawed on chicken bones, or half a gyro. I am sorry but that is just GROSS. And if you have done a fair bit of drinking, that is a recipe for a disaster. Here is my proposal. There should be a dining car, replete with garbage cans. Fines imposed for those caught noshing in non-dining cars. Problem solved. I think I should run for mayor. 

Music Promoters come in all shapes, sizes, races, creeds, religious etc. I came to the conclusion that people who listen to their music so loud that you can hear it 20 feet away, are merely trying to promote artists that they love. Sweet, but irritating if you don’t like Barry Manilow. I often will be sitting on the 4/5 train trying to doze on my way into the city when I hear slightly muffled music. I play a game; before opening my eyes I try and guess how many people away the Music Promoter is sitting. Occasionally, there is a baffling moment when I can’t find anyone wearing headphones…are they on the next car perhaps?

Word to the Music Promoters though: make sure that what you are listening to is cool, as everyone will be judging you by the music you are promoting. I was once standing in front of a very attractive, well-suited business man with no wedding ring on, so I began staring coquettishly, leaning against my raised arm in a very becoming manner, willing him to look up. Then his Ipod came on. The music that began blaring was ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne. So that answers the question of “Do Wall Street-ers listen to teen girl-power punk?" It was so loud and I was getting quickly getting irritated, so I thought that perhaps I could give him a hint that it was too loud. I began singing along. He even looked up and saw me singing along to the song blaring out of his ears and didn’t’ get it. Did he think that I was miraculously hearing the same song at exactly the same time with my invisible headphones? Word to the Music Promoters of the world: If people are tapping their foot to the beat in your earphones, or even perhaps singing along, your music is way too loud.  

We have now reached my least favorite Subway Sinner of all time. The Pseudo Germ-a-Phobe: These people drive me NUTS. It is not something I am proud of in my personality, but I have a very, very low threshold for stupidity. It irritates me beyond belief. PG's really get me going. These are all those people who are afraid of the pole germs. I will now outline the subcategories of the PG’s and their idiocy. I really hope some PG's out there read this.  

Method 1: The Two-finger Hold – I am assuming that you are holding the pole with only two fingers because you want to avoid getting germs on your other three fingers? I find it ironic that the Two-Finger Hold is most often performed with the thumb and index finger…the two most used of the five fingers. I don’t find this effective germ avoidance in the least. The other problem with the PG's who utilize this move is that if the train hits any kind of a snag or track change the PG is flies across the aisle and into your lap. It is very hard to hold your entire body upright with two small germ infected finger tips.  

Method 2: The Sleeve-Wrist Hold – This is where the PG pulls their sleeve over their hand and then holds onto the pole with their wrist. Here is my theory. Germs/other peoples slime gets all over the sleeve which, upon leaving the subway, the PG consequently forgets about, and spends the rest of the day pushing up their sleeve with their bare hands, running their hand through their hair with the offending sleeve rubbing across their forehead. Going to the bathroom where the sleeve might touch bare thighs. Days later, doing laundry with bare hands…it is endless really.  

Method 3: The Kleenex Barrier Hold – The only thing I really have to say about this one is, you just look stupid and prissy. And how effective do you think this thin piece of ephemera really is? 

Method 4: Holding On To Your Friend – My best friend used to utilize this one with me when we first moved here, and she was living in constant germ fear. She would hold onto my jacket sleeve, or my arm, and we would both swing around at each turn and bump. This went on for a week or so until I explained to her that it was pointless to avoid the Pole unless she was going to take germ avoidance seriously. Which would entail wearing gloves all the time in order to avoid all door handles, turn-styles, bathroom stall handles, revolving doors, ATM buttons, pens at the bank, Metrocard machines and so on. It is endless. We live with people, people touch things, yes it is gross, but avoiding the Subway pole and then happily pushing through a revolving door is just asinine.  

Just hold the pole. Then go wash your hands wherever you are going. Luckily, almost every building in New York has a sink and some soap. Hell, if you can’t wait that long, carry some hand sanitizer. I’ll even buy it for you.

April Farrell is an arts administrator working her way through some of New York's great museums. She moved her four years ago from Los Angeles where she was born and raised. She currently resides in the Park Slope area of Brooklyn. Some of her writing will appear in several magazines and a book of essays on dating in New York. Click here to read more of her essays. She can be contacted at aprilerinfarrell@yahoo.com.