Overheard Subway Conversations

Thursday, May 13, 2004, 59^th Street Platform

A man and a woman are waiting for the train. Each has a couple of bags from Whole Foods in the new Time Warner Center.

Man: Yeah, so I have gone off of all sugars, even fruit.

Woman: Why? I couldn't give up fruit.

Man: Yeah, I have to. I have all this yeast in my body and I need to get rid of it. And the only way to get rid of it is to starve it because that weakens it. Then I have to take these pills to actually kill it. Then I have to take enzymes to replace the yeast. After that I will start eating fruit again, so maybe in like two weeks.

Woman: Oh it's a cleansing thing. I think Claude, Yvette's trainer, was telling me about that. I need to call him.

Man: Well I have been reading this book about the difference between Eastern and Western medicine and the book has me so scared, I swear everything is toxic.

Woman: Yeah it really is. Oh, you know what I heard? I heard that Gwyneth finally stopped with the Macrobiotic diet. Maybe it's because she is pregnant.

Man: I don't know anything about the Macrobiotic diet. I try not to get all into these celebrity endorsed diets. I try to stick to doctors because that is what they are there for.

Woman: I guess, but the Macrobiotic is supposed to be very cleansing as well. But I am going to call Claude, cause I would really like to firm up.

They both weigh about 165 pounds together.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004, "L" train

There's this teenage girl I see all the time late on the "L". We must have similar work schedules and always end up in the same car. She always seems lost in her own thoughts, hardly ever paying attention to anything or anyone else on the train. She is always reading, playing a game or listening to music. She is always alone. In my head her name is Katie. She is probably the epitome of what we in America would consider physically unattractive. She is always a little disheveled, her dark red hair is typically all over her head. She wears glasses and is very overweight. I always think about how hard it must be for her to be in high-school. I guess it is worth noting that I had just gone to see Mean Girls the night before. But this night two attractive boys about her age got on the train and for once I saw her take notice.

When they walked toward her she looked down at the bag she had on her lap. The two boys saw that there was empty space next to Katie but hesitated. They stood for a second and tried to figure out if they could both fit on the space that was there. After a few glances between the two they decided to squeeze in. The boy sitting closest to Katie half turned his back to her and chatted away to his friend. Katie just reached in her bag and pulled out her Gameboy, and she was back to her normal ways. The noise from the game caught the boys attention and they started taking a little bit more interest in her. After a few minutes the boy was looking over her shoulder watching her play.

Katie: It's Tony Hawk's Underground. (catching the boy off guard)

Boy 1: Oh! I've never seen it before.

Katie: It's pretty new. I'm not that good yet.

Boy 1: It looks cool. You are pretty good.

Katie: Not really.

Boy 2: I think this boy at my school has that game?

Boy 1: Who?

Boy 2: Brian.

Katie keeps playing the game and soon they are laughing and joking. She plays up until her stop.

Katie: Well, I got to go.

Boy 1: Well it was nice meeting.

Katie: Well maybe I will see you around.

Boy 1: All right, see you.

Boy 2: Have a good night.

Katie: You too. Bye.

And Katie actually smiled.

Sunday, May 9, 2004, Downtown "1" train

At 66^th Street a young woman gets on the train and immediately sucks up half the attention of the passengers. She is wearing skin tight jeans that flare at the bottom. She has on a pair of white, classic shell-toed Adidas. Red and blue laces snake up to the top of the shoe, tied in an oversized bow. She is a pretty girl and she knows it. Her jet black hair falls well below her shoulders and she has one of those skin colors and facial features that make you wonder what nationality she is. You just know she exotic. But on this train ride it's her shirt that is drawing the stares of the commuters.

She is wearing a red, sleeveless hooded sweatshirt that is completely unzipped. Underneath she is wearing a simple white wife beater. Her stomach is board flat and her perky breasts would make Britney Spears proud. But the real show stopper was her protruding nipples. It was a little chilly in the train, but damn were they out there. It was one of those things you couldn't help but stare at. Naturally she ignored every glance and pretended she couldn't feel all the eyes on her. Wait, are they? Oh shit, they are. Her nipples are pierced. I can't tell for sure but even without a wardrobe malfunction you could pretty clearly see a tiny hoop around each, with a metal ball centered on the spheres.

After a couple of quick stops she finally acknowledges one of the open stares. There is one Latin guy sitting adjacent to her who seemed to be equally as eye catching to her as she was to everyone else. Their eyes meet, then they look away. In between his legs he is carrying a bag filled with a brown stuffed bear, a half a dozen roses and a red, heart shaped balloon that says I Love You. It looks like a perfect gift for her. And for a second it looks like he is going to give it to her, with all of the eye exchange and all. I hope they are Mother's Day gifts because the two become engaged in a long, in-depth non-verbal conversation. They are exchanging names, numbers and preferences all with their eyes a subtle flick of the hair and seductive body language.

As 42^nd St. approaches they both stand and move toward the door. They come just inches from brushing up against each other. He stays far enough away from her not to cross the line from their fantasy life into their real life, but remains close enough for her to feel his breath on the back of her neck. As the door opens they head different directions and each turns to take one more look, to flirt one more time. Then they turn and go their separate ways. I am sure a Missed Connection post on Craigslist will follow.

Thursday, April 22, 2004, Downtown "1" train

Susan, whispering: "Oh my God. There is my pretend boyfriend."

The guy is about 6'1", I think what people call strawberry blonde hair that is almost buzzed on the sides and the back and just a little hair on the top that you can tell would be really curly of it wasn't so short. He has on some dirty, beat up jeans that have been "distressed" to look old, but he probably got them at Bloomindale's less than a month ago. He has on a vintage tee, a jean jacket and some European sneakers he probably got on a graduation trip and an iPod, you know the type.

Linda: "What do you mean, your pretend boyfriend? I see him all the time and I am in LOVE with him."

Linda: "He's cute."

Susan: "He is so cute I don't even want to look at him, it breaks my heart just to see him because I want him so bad."

Linda: "So why don't you try to talk to him?"

Susan: "Hello!!!"

Linda: "O.K. I know, but you could at least try to flirt with him and get him to talk to you."

Susan: "We don't need to talk, he knows he is my boyfriend. Oh, and he lives in my neighborhood to somewhere. He gets off at my stop but when we get to the top of the stairs he goes right, when I go left. I almost followed him one day."

"Stalker!"

Susan: "I know, that's why I didn't do it, but I love him. You know, I am sure you have a pretend boyfriend."

Linda: "I can't say that I do."

Susan: "No one?"

Linda: "Well there is this guy at my job, does that count, because I actually know him?"

Susan: "Well, I mean do you talk to him, are you friends?"

Linda: "No, all we have ever said is 'hi,' he works in a different department but I see him at the coffee machine almost every day and he says, 'Hi.'"

Susan: "Pretend boyfriend! That is even a pretend date, you at the coffee machine."

Linda: "Hey, someone just got in front of your pretend boyfriend, we can't even see him now."

Susan: "Oh no she didn't. I will fight over him, she needs to move. He is this close to becoming my pretend husband."

Thursday, April 15, 2004, Manhattan bound "L" Train

Just another day on the "L" train. It's about 8:55 and the train is full of the "I get to work ten minutes late every day" crowd. Two guys are holding on to the center pole that runs along the top of the middle of the train. They have both been silent throughout most of the train ride. At First Avenue several of the people exit the car and the two guys are left with a little bit more reading room.

Guy #1: "That sucks, that guy just left and I wanted to see who the author was on the book he was reading."

Guy #2: "Were you reading over his shoulder?"

Guy #1: "Of course, and the book was pretty decent too, but because of the way he was holding the book I could only see half the title and couldn't see the author at all."

Guy #2: "What was it about?"

Guy #1: Well naturally, now I have no idea because I only got to read a few pages, but it was a murder mystery I think. It had a blue cover with big gold lettering, I think the title had two words...Cold something."

Guy #2: "I don't think I know that one. The girl over by me was reading The Power of Now but I read that already."

Guy #1: "I know I see so many people reading books I already read or the same books. Like how many people are reading books by that guy Zane?"

Guy #2: "I think I have seen someone reading that before, but all I know is that if I see someone else reading The Da Vinci Code I am going to L-O-S-E it!"

They laugh hysterically at the thought of this.

Guy #1: "I know, I think everyone in America has read that by now."

Guy #2: "I never have, but I have read almost the whole book by looking over 15 people's shoulders that were!"

Monday, April 4, 2004, Uptown "R"

It's morning rush hour and two co-workers find each other in a packed subway car. Both are mid-thirties magazine employees.

Debbie: "Hey Barbara!"

Barbara, turning around slowly: "Hey Debbie."

Debbie: "I said hi a second ago but I guess you didn't hear me."

Barbara: "I'm sorry, I'm a wreck this morning. I got hit by the vodka truck last night."

Debbie: "Oh, did you go out?"

Barbara: "No, that's what's so bad, and actually it was wine. I drank almost a whole bottle by myself last night. Does that make me an alcoholic?"

Debbie, laughing: "Umm no."

Barbara: "I don't know what came over me. I was just going to have one glass while I watched TV but then I kept refilling it. Then I realized how sad it was that I was at home getting wasted by myself. That's the first sign of being a drunk. I had never done that before."

Debbie: "Well, if it was your first time, than you are definitely not a drunk yet."

Barbara: "Yeah, yet. But you just feel like an ass when you are this age and you have to take an Advil before you go to bed so you don't wake up with a hangover."

Thursday, March 25, 2004, Times Square escalator

I get on the escalator and join a conversation by the gossip folks already in progress.

"She is a wreck."

"I know, but who do you think is more of a wreck, Courtney Love or Whitney Houston?"

"I am going to have to go for Courtney."

"Me too, I think Courtney Love will be dead by the end of this year."

"That is horrible, but I did hear people talking about that. They said the tenth anniversary of Kurt's death is coming up and they think she might kill herself to make some grand statement of it all."

"Hmm, I don't know about that. That is crazy."

"True, but she might overdose."

"I can't believe it has been ten years, but I guess it has."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. At least Whitney is more interesting."

"I know, but maybe she won't be now that she is in rehab."

"She is not in rehab. I heard she left today."

"What?"

"Yeah I heard she threw a diva fit and broke out."

"See, she is a wreck, I just feel bad for their daughter. Aren't they trying to take her away from them? Didn't they have to go to court for it?"

"No, that was for Bobby's child support. They let him out of jail for it, then made him go right back."

"That is crazy, drama."

"D-R-A-M-A."

Tuesday, March 23, 2004, Crosstown "G" Train

A small group of friends are chatting away about everything from "The Apprentice" to the upcoming election, but the conversation gets heated when the conversation turns to most debatable topic of the year - Martha Stewart...

"I am sorry but I think Martha Stewart got a raw deal ," says Tracy (not her real name).

"Not even," says Bob (not his real name either).

"I can't really decide how I feel about it at all," comments Zoe (she just looked like a Zoe to me).

Tracy: No, it's really messed up, I mean all the stuff that is going on in the world and they feel like they need to pick on Martha Stewart, I mean what is that?

Bob: They are doing it to make a statement. It's a victory for the little guy.

Tracy: How is that a victory for the little guy? It's not like it's putting any money in my pocket or yours.

Bob: It's sending a message to everybody like, 'You can't get away with this stuff' and plus she has been a bitch to so many people and now it is all coming back on her.

Tracy: Hold up!!! How you gone call her a bitch like that, you don't even know her.

Bob: Neither do you!

Tracy: People just say that because she is a woman. If she did the stuff that she does and she was a man people would just consider her a strong man, but because she is a woman she is a bitch.

Zoe: I think I agree with that.

Bob: I don't.

Tracy: No, look at those one guys they say did the same thing as her at that company, you know that one.

Zoe: Enron

Tracy: Yeah, that's it, and they are not going to jail.

Bob: Well we don't know yet, and we don't even know if Martha is going to go to jail. They will probably put her one of those celebrity jails where they go get you lattes and shit, like the one Diana Ross was in.

Tracy: Well, we'll see.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004, Downtown "1"

Two pleasantly plump young twenty-something girls sit arm and arm singing loudly:

"No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay!"

Playbills still in hand, they have obviously just come from seeing "The Producers" on Broadway, and from their memorization, I'm guessing it wasn't their first time.

"Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!"

The "1" train is not impressed by their performance. Hipsters, not impressed, thugs, even less impressed, even little old ladies wish they would shut the hell up.

"What did Washington say to his troops
As they crossed the Delaware
I'm sure you're well aware... "

"What'd they say?"

"We can do it, we can do it..."

The train screeches to a halt at 14^th St. and those of us who are fortunate enough to be getting off, rush for the door. The guy next to me looks at his friend on the way up the stairs and says,

"I hate theatre hags."

Monday, March 8, 2004, Graham Station "L" Train Platform

8:35 a.m. - The platform is crowded, as always. One after another commuters are piling on the platform, leaning over the edge hoping to see the lights of a train come around the corner. Two young, not so hip hipsters (Bill and Ted) are waiting for their excellent adventure into the city.

Bill: I hate when it gets like this in the morning.

Ted: Yeah!

8:40 a.m. - The platform has grown much more crowded and everyone is starting to get more restless, checking their watches and angling for position.

Bill: This is crazy.

Ted: I know. You know what this reminds me of. I saw this special on TV about this hovercraft they have out now. Dude, it was sweet. I need one of those for real. I could park it at the edge of the Hudson and just tie it up on the other side on my way to work. Waiting for this train is the worst.

Bill: I know. It has gotten pretty bad lately.

8:45 a.m. - The train finally comes around the corner and is so packed with passengers that when the door finally open that the people onboard actually stumble from the release of pressure. One person gets off the packed car and five try to get on, only three actually make it. I am left still standing next to Bill and Ted.

Bill: You were right, that hovercraft isn't looking so bad right now.

Ted: I told you. I've been thinking about it. It would be really cool, and we could give people rides. I mean look at all these people. We could charge like three bucks a ride and we could take people back and forth. We would make a fortune. That would be cool.

Bill: Yeah, cool.

8:48 a.m. - The hovercraft starts to look pretty good to me too.

Saturday, March 6, 2004, Canal Street Station

The Canal Street station is packed with tourists stocking up on their Phooey Vuitton and Nolex watches. There is a line at least ten people deep at the MTA booth full of lost Midwesterners and MetroCard-hating Europeans, but the clerk is busy on the microphone talking to the angry overweight lady trying desperately to get the turnstile to accept her card.

"Ma'am you need to swipe it faster. You are going to slow," says the clerk.

"I did it fast and it told me it was too fast."

"Try again."

Swipe again at this turnstile.

"I am, it's not working. Why can't you just let me through? It won't work."

"I can't do that ma'am. Keep trying."

The woman ignores her and moves to the next turnstile. Just Used. Upset by this the woman tries to lift her thick leg up over the turnstile as the whole platform watches on in awe.

"Ma'am if you go over that turnstile, I swear I will call the police."

"Then why don't you just let me in. It says I just used it but it didn't work."

"I told you to keep trying, but you tried to move, see there," the clerk responds, all while ignoring the 'Excuse me' from the girl waiting patiently for the clerk to issue her a card. "Don't you go over that turnstile, lady!"

The woman's friend that had been patiently waiting on the other side hears the oncoming train in the distance and just breaks down, walks over to her friend and hands her a MetroCard from her pocket. The woman accepts it and swipes it through. Go. The woman goes through the turnstile, then turns around and gives the clerk the finger.

"Excuse me," says the girl in line for the second time, getting upset about the oncoming train.

"Wait," the clerk says to the girl, promptly cutting her off. "You need to fix your attitude lady," directing her attention back to the woman. "That's why you couldn't get in."

"Well I'm in now."

"Good, now go home and fix your attitude."

"You fix your attitude."

"Come say it to my face."

The lady throws up her arms to both sides, the international sign for 'come get a piece of me.'

"Come say it to my face. Come say it," the clerk says again. The train gets closer.

"Fuck you!"

"What bitch? If you came out you probably couldn't get back in anyway."

"Bitch? You a ..." The sounds of the women cursing each other out is drowned out by the arrival of the train. I look around and everyone inside on the platform is shaking their heads and can't help but smile. The people waiting in line and missing their train, they don't quite have the same smile on their faces.

Thursday, February 26, 2004, Downtown "1" Train

Two young twenty-something girls, let's call them Emily and Mary Beth, looking very middle-class Connecticut schoolgirl discuss family relations.

Emily: Yeah, they have been together forever, I think like ten years.

Mary Beth: So why haven't they gotten married yet?

Emily: I think cause of me.

Mary Beth: Really?

Emily: Yeah, I was thinking about it one day and I thought, 'If I was with a guy for ten years he better be ready to marry me by then.' I mean, I would be pissed if he didn't. So then I thought, 'Maybe they wanted to get married but they didn't because they didn't want to hurt me'.

Mary Beth: What do you mean?

Emily: Well you know, then she would be my step-mom. I mean right now she is just Elizabeth, my Dad's girlfriend, but then she would be my step-mom and I already have a mom. You know? So I asked my mom if she knew why Dad and Elizabeth have never gotten married and she said, "Probably because of you."

Mary Beth: And what did you say?

Emily: I told her that I didn't care. It makes no difference to me. I mean they live together and have been together since I was like twelve.

Mary Beth: So why don't you tell your Dad that you don't care.

Emily: I mean, I shouldn't have to, you know. Why should I have to have that conversation with him? He should bring it up. I had to figure it out all on my own, he never brought it up. Plus, he is the adult, he needs to make that decision on his own. He wants to treat me like a kid. I am just going to act like the dumb kid. I mean, whatever.

Jonte was born and raised in Rockford, Illinois earning a Mass Communications degree from Illinois State University. His stints in broadcast and cable television, radio, print, acting and modeling have earned him the title "Pauper of All Media". Jonte currently resides in Brooklyn.